RSS Feed: TECHTOAD.COM Articles February 2012 |
January 2012 |
| Mac vs PC - The Never Ending Debate | 20th February 2012 |
We've been keeping an eye on our inbox and were surprised by the number of requests we've had for the classic "Mac vs PC" argument. Let us make one thing clear: We cannot answer the question "Which is best?" because each have their advantages and disdavantages. Which is what we will look at in todays article. Price: That said, when we consider the cost of a computer, and talk about value - we must consider two crucial factors; life expectancy/futureproofing and software costs. Does spending more on Mac hardware with Apple's Mac OS save you more money in software licences and do you get a product which can work for longer before requiring an upgrade? We will come back to these points later in the article. Hardware: System Stability and Compatibility: Service, Repairs and Upgrades: Style and Stereotypes: Performance: Reliability: Networking: Conclusion: Can you trust what the rest of the world think? This graph represents the popularity of each platform in the year 2011 - Source hongkiat.com
You can get the latest statistic from hitslink.com - Today, Microsoft Windows holds an 85% overall market share compared to Apple's Mac and iOS which have a combined share of 10%.
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| February Top 10: Ways To Make Someone Your Valentine | 10th February 2012 |
Written by Jack Christmas If you happen to have walked past any greeting card shops recently, you’ll have been reminded that a certain holiday is right round the corner. That’s right; St. Valentine’s Day is nearly here, folks! The day when people in committed relationships give themselves large pats on the back while making uninspired and clichéd romantic gestures, and the day when lonely people spend their free time cry-wanking, drinking copious quantities of cheap supermarket cider, watching back-to-back episodes of Batman: The Animated Series, and staring forlornly into mirrors. But for those of you who are too often at the faeces-covered end of the St. Valentine’s stick, I bring a message of hope. You don’t have to be alone on Valentine’s Day. You just need to know the tricks of the dating trade. Of course, you have to bear in mind that these tips may not work if you want a permanent relationship after Valentine’s is over, but if you’re the sort of person that cares about having a date on Valentine’s Day just because it’s Valentine’s Day, then I imagine this won’t bother you. Here are my Top Ten Ways To Make Someone Your Valentine. Note: Your love interest may be of any gender. I used female pronouns in this Top Ten for the sake of simplicity.
#10: The Power of Democracy We’re incredibly lucky to live in a country where every citizen gets a say in how things are run, but unfortunately many of us take this for granted. Election turnouts continue to get worse and the sheer dumb-fuckery of the average cabinet minister seems to have done little more than inspire political apathy. This is exactly why you should use your democratic rights to increase your chances of getting laid. Step 1: Send a letter to your local MP explaining why you and your love interest would be perfect for each other. Ask him/her to bring it up in parliament. Step 2: Design a leaflet detailing why your love interest should go out with you. Print a few thousand of these and deliver one to every house in your neighbourhood/city. Step 3: Gather a group of at least a few dozen people and organise a protest outside your love interest’s house. You should carry signs expressing your point of view and loudly chant to attract her attention. Ideally you should do this when your love interest is asleep so you catch her at the time of day when she is most susceptible. Step 4: Wait patiently for her willpower and standards to be eroded away by the sheer awesomeness of democracy. Step 5: ????? Step 6: PROFIT!
#9: Romanticism Sometimes using the more traditional methods of seduction can work well too. To impress your love interest with this method, you should buy her chocolates, write her poetry, send her emails that include a winky face and at least 3 kisses, buy her a car. You know, all the standard romantic gestures will do fine. The key is not to let up. Bombard her with so many seemingly selfless gifts and so much romantic sentiment that it eventually makes you look desperate and pathetic. If she hasn’t fallen in love with your charm by Valentine’s Day, then she’ll most likely agree to go out with you anyway, just out of pity and a sense of politeness, much like how some women agree to public marriage proposals because they can’t bring themselves to humiliate someone on national TV.
#8: Persistence Let’s face it; people are generally arseholes. They obviously aren’t going to get along without first putting in a great deal of effort. This is why persistence is the key to making any relationship work, and exactly the same method can be applied to the dating game, because your love interest may say that she’s not interested in going out with you, but she just doesn’t know you well enough. How could she possibly make a well-informed decision about whether or not she wants to date you yet? She barely knows you! This is why you need to hang around her as much as possible and ask her out over and over again until she says yes. Eventually she’ll just get to the point where she doesn’t have the energy to reject you anymore and she’ll have no choice but to be your valentine. Some people may like to throw around words like ‘stalking’ or ‘harassment’ when describing this kind of persistence, but that only applies to people who aren’t as charming or sexy as you are.
#7: Hypnosis If your love interest outright refuses to be your Valentine, then this only means that her conscious mind doesn’t want to go out with you. You still have a good chance of courting her subconscious mind. You just need to put her in a state of trance. Now, I’m presuming you aren’t a professional hypnotist, so you can’t just randomly go up to her in the middle of the day and go all Derren Brown on her. You need to perform the hypnosis when she’s in a more suggestible state of mind. The best time to do this is during REM sleep, because this is when she’ll be dreaming and sleeping most deeply. So, you’ll need to break into her bedroom in the middle of the night without being detected or waking her up, and because there’s no other way to tell when she’s in REM sleep without waking her up first, you need to bring an EEG machine with you. Next, hook her up to the EEG machine and wait until her brainwave patterns indicate REM sleep. Now it’s simply a matter of putting her in the trance. To do this, play her LMFAO’s ‘Party Rock Anthem’ backwards and at 5% speed, and say “You are now under my control” three times in succession while clicking your heels together. Once she is under, simply tell her to ask you out. The idea of this is to plant an idea in her head that she will be compelled to act on, basically like Inception. Once you are done, say “You are now free from my control”, turn off the music and make your escape. The next time she sees you she will chat you up without any prompting.
#6: The Power of Prayer If you’re so unlikeable and repulsive that there’s no force on Earth that could find you a partner, then there is still hope. Question: who or what is more powerful than anything on Earth? The answer is, naturally, God. You know: Jehovah. Allah. Zeus. Ganesh. The Big Kahuna. The Dark Lord. The Big Pizza Pie in the Sky. The Dickhead Deity. Or, as I prefer to call him: Colin. So the only solution is to ask Colin to create a partner especially for you. After all, if it worked for Adam then it can work for anyone. Granted, Adam did have to sacrifice one of his ribs, but that was only because Colin was drunk when he created Adam and couldn’t remember how to do it, so he needed something to go on. You shouldn’t need to worry about that because the second time around Colin remembered to make a back-up and put it on one of those water-resistant flash drives. You can increase your chances of success by getting as many people as possible to pray for you at the same time and in the same place – though bear in mind that this won’t work if the people you use are starving Africans or victims of a natural disaster.
#5: Lie About Your Sexuality A desire for the forbidden is psychologically ingrained in all of us. Not being able to have something automatically makes you want it more, which is why at the end of a Year 8 R.E. lesson I suddenly really wanted to holiday in Mecca. You can use this to your advantage. If your love interest is hetero, pretend to be gay. She’ll immediately become obsessed with you, and pretty soon she’ll be begging you to go out with her and give heterosexuality a second chance. If you need to be convinced that this will work, just name any gay celebrities you can think of; Rupert Everett, Neil Patrick Harris, Sir Ian McKellen, Paul O’Grady, Alan Carr, Justin Timberlake, Sir Elton John… all of them are major sex icons for straight women. And hey, if it doesn’t work then at least you can use your new homosexual façade to get some dick.
#4: Use Reverse Psychology It’s human nature to want to act independently and not just blindly obey what anyone says, because we like to think of ourselves as intelligent beings that don’t need other people’s why. This is why a great way to make your love interest want you is a partner is to make yourself seem like the worst possible choice imaginable. Step 1: Stop washing or grooming yourself. Step 2: Get into the habit of vomiting and farting into other people’s soup. Step 3: Tell everyone how much you love the Twilight series and the music of Justin Bieber Step 4: Pretend you’ve contracted several STDs and brag about how many people you’ve passed them on to. Step 5: Tell your love interest that you wish she would die a horrible, bloody death, and that her corpse would be gruesomely disfigured so that no innocent soul would ever have to look at her hideous face ever again. Then cough phlegm directly into her face. Follow these steps and pretty soon your love interest will be practically begging for you to go out with her.
#3: The Power of Technology Science! It can do some mind-bogglingly amazing things nowadays. I’m still astounded that it’s genuinely possible to talk to people who aren’t even in the room with you. The fact that so many people take this technological miracle for granted shows just how far technology has come over the past 200 years. So if humanity can create a vehicle powered entirely by steam, who’s to say humanity can’t create a device that forces people to fall in love with people they don’t even like? To be honest, even I thought that this was impossible, because at heart I’m an incredibly cynical person, but these days there’s an App™ for everything. ‘App’, for you techno-noobs out there, is short for ‘Apptitude’, because each new piece of software they release has a different aptitude. The extra ‘P’ stands for ‘pwnage’, because Apps easily pwn all other kinds of digitally distributed data. So I was browsing the iOS AppStore one day, and I came across a miraculous App called ‘Hormone Handler’. It’s essentially a fun and simple mini-game that allows you to directly control someone’s hormone levels. All you need to do is put in your love interest’s blood type, star sign, approximate elbow size, and a hotness rating out of ten, and Hormone Handler will lock on to her automatically, provided she is within a 500m radius and you have a sufficient 3G signal. You then get to play a mini-game which is basically like a cross between Tetris and Call of Duty. The better you are at the game, the more hormonal chemicals you’re able to manipulate. It’s a prime example of an easy to play/difficult to master control system. Once you have control of all her hormones, you can essentially make her feel any emotions you want. For example, you could make her feel happy and horny whenever she’s around you, or sad and angry whenever she’s around any other men. You can plainly see how this could be used to get you a Valentine’s date. It works great, but is difficult to get exactly right and can be a bit glitchy sometimes. All things considered this is a wonderful App and well worth the money. ‘Hormone Handler’ is currently available to download from the iOS AppStore for free, but if you want to use it there is a monthly subscription fee of £6.99. There is currently an Android version in development, but unfortunately it won’t be available for a few years. Ironically, when it comes to the availability of third-party software, Android is the Mac of smartphones.
#2: Become Interesting It’s most likely that the reason you haven’t got a date already isn’t that you’re horrifically ugly and behave like a dick’s arsehole, but that you’re simply boring and average-looking. You might be a perfectly lovely person, but if you don’t stand out from the crowd, it makes not one jot of difference to your chances of scoring. Basically, you just need to change as much of your personality and behaviour as you can in order to make yourself seem more unique. You can start off by wearing unusual clothing, like a stylish polka dot pyjamas/black leather jacket/red high heels/bowler hat combo, for example. It’s best to go with your imagination when choosing your outfit, but as long as it catches your love interest’s attention, it’s done its job. Next you should make some distinctive alterations to your voice, so that your conversations with your Valentine-to-be are more memorable. You could start shouting every other sentence you say. You could put on an exaggerated Italian accent. You could pretend to have a stammer. You could start saying everything in a mildly sarcastic tone. Feel free to be creative. Your speech affectations can be as subtle or as blatant as they need to be. The final and probably most important step is to think of interesting things to talk about. If you have the time, the most effective way to do this is to spend a few decades burying yourself in all the world’s cultures and arts, and absorbing everything there is to know about history and international politics. However, I am aware that some of you may not have that much patience, so there are some other options. One solution is to become telepathic and just read your love interest’s mind, which can be achieved be either exposing yourself to enormous quantities of X-radiation or being bitten by Sally Morgan. Having said that, I imagine most of you won’t want to risk the often lethal health problems that occur as a result of being bitten by Sally Morgan, so there is a third option. You simply need to find a topic that you can bullshit about at length. It doesn’t even matter if the subject matter is boring, because you can make up for that with the sheer power of madcap enthusiasm. For example, you could discuss how out of all the animals on this planet, turtles – teenage, mutant, or otherwise – would make the absolute worst ninjas! I mean, come on, the whole point of ninjas is for them to blend in with their surroundings! It doesn’t matter where you are in the world; a group of 6-foot tall muscle-bound turtles would stick out like Ann Widdecombe at a Gay Pride parade! And ninjas are supposed to be fast and agile! Turtles are infamous for being slow-moving and inflexible on land! Turtles are about as good at being ninjas as John McCririck is at modelling ladies’ underwear! None of it makes sense, goddamnit! And if that doesn’t make you interesting enough, you could just start taking acid. So, anyway, once you have all these elements together, you know for sure that your love interest won’t be able to resist your uniqueness and will fall in love with you straight away. It’s as simple as that, folks.
#1: The Power of Lust Do you seriously think that people choose who they go out with based on their personality and how wealthy they are? Well, OK, yes, they do that, but it’s mainly about sex. This is why the best way to convince your love interest to go on a date with you is to make her so desperate to touch your genitals with her genitals that she doesn’t have a choice. To do this, you need to make yourself sexually desirable. This is actually a lot easier than most people believe, even for the most aesthetically challenged among us. Step 1: Gain weight. You can do this with a combination of regular heavy weightlifting and binge eating deep fried Mars bars (other fatty, sugary, salty snacks are available). Now, at the end of this gorging and bodybuilding process you may have gained a lot of excess fat. Don’t worry. This is perfectly normal. Step 2: Unfortunately, fatness tends to be unattractive. Luckily, you can easily convert this fat into muscle. This is done by running a 174µA electric current through your body, sucking on 174 currants and being carried by a south-south-south-south-easterly river current concurrently. This process briefly puts all of your body tissue into a malleable state called Current Quadruplicity, the exact machinations of which are far too complicated and long-winded to detail here. All you need to know is that it works. So do it, et voila! You just traded in your fat-ass for a bad-ass. Step 3: Your transformation to sex beast is not yet complete. You’ve got the bulging muscles. Now you need to grow out your hair. Long hair is the sexiest thing about any man or woman, so make sure to completely abstain from shaving. If your facial, armpit, leg, arm, back, chest and pubic hair doesn’t grow to great length naturally, use testosterone supplements to help. They should be available at your local chemist, or if you can’t get a prescription, my mate Dave can hook you up. Step 4: Shave your head. While it’s true that long hair on the rest of the body is overpoweringly erotic, the exact opposite is true for the head. This is because people often find a large brain just as much of a turn-on as large breasts or a large penis, and if someone has head-hair you can’t see how big their brain is. Having hair – long hair in particular – just makes you look like you’ve got something to hide. Just cut it all off already. Step 5: Dress up in tight, revealing clothing, or no clothing at all, and approach your love interest. If she can stop herself from jumping you right there and then and doesn’t pass out from swooning, she’ll ask you out on a date immediately. I think you’ll find that you, my friend, are in there. You can see why using The Power of Lust is easily the most effective method for getting a Valentine’s date. It bypasses the brain – the only part of the body that can decide to reject you – and goes straight to the love organs, guaranteeing that you won’t be alone on this St. Valentine’s Day. |
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| Solid State Drive (SSD): Advantages and Disadvantages | 20th January 2012 |
Written by Kirk Saywell Over the past decade, computer technology has drastically evolved. There have been major improvements to the speed of processors, the speed and capacity of RAM, the power of graphics cards and the energy efficiency of computers, especially laptops. Unfortunately, there hasn't been much improvement of computer storage technology, until a new storage technology called "Solid State" was invented a few years ago. We've been in two minds about SSD technology, although on paper the SSD seems like a good idea, there have been some concerns about the cost, lifespan and write speed of SSDs. But have things changed? We were very excited when the new NAND Flash Memory Solid State Drives were introduced, and now not only are they becoming available in larger capacities, but the prices are coming down. So what does the "Hard Drive" in a computer do? The hard drive is the long-term memory store of information. Every program you install, every file you save, every setting you change - it's all stored by the hard drive. A larger drive allows you to store more information. Traditional Hard Disk Drives (HDD) or "Spinning Disk" drives store data on 'Sectors' of a spinning disk, which reads and writes magnetically with a head that floats just above the disk. This type of drive has been around for years, and has seen many improvements in speed and capacity. However, since it is made with moving parts that can wear out or be damaged, it is quite susceptable to failure, and is usually the first component to fail in a computer system. Solid State Drives (SSD) or "Flash Storage" drives store data on microchips, the data is reads and writes electronically so there is no need for any moving parts. Advantages of SSD:
This all sounds very good, but what does it really mean for you? In terms of everyday computing, with a Solid State Drive: - Your computer will start up much faster So, we know why they are good, but we're interested to know what Solid State Drives are not so good at, and why they might be a bad idea.
You need to consider how these disadvantages will effect your computing experience, aside from costing more in the first place, the only negative effect you may find with an SSD is the write speed. You write to your drive any time you want to store information, but because most things are stored on computer RAM, you would probably only notice the slow write speed when saving very big files such as video, or when copying large amounts of data to your SSD. Balanced Up Comparing what we know about Solid State Drives (SSD) and Hard Disk Drives (HDD), it seems that the SSDs are a much better option if you are looking for performance and reliablility overall. However, if you want to cut your costs and have very large amounts of data, traditional HDDs would be ideal. Maybe when the prices come down and the capacity goes up, SSD will be the best option all round. You can order Solid State Drives online or in-store at Nexus Technology in Colchester. |
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| January Top 10: iPhone Apps | 10th January 2012 |
Written by Kirk Saywell This is the first installment of our monthly TECHTOAD TOP 10! On the 10th of every month we will publish a "TOP 10" list for you to sink your teeth into. For January 2012, we have picked out our Top 10 favourite iPhone Apps. #10: BBC iPlayer #9: Unblock Me #8: eBay #7: Doodle Sprint #6: Fall Down! #5: Facebook #4: Angry Birds #3: Rainbow RSS Reader #2: iHandy Alarm Clock #1: Shazam We hope you enjoyed reading about our TOP 10 favourite iPhone apps. Check back again for next months Top Ten list! |
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